Friday, February 12, 2016

oh charlotte

I remember a scene in the old animated Charlotte's Web when Charlotte realizes she is dying and she has to tell Wilbur. She said, "I think I'm languishing, to tell you the truth." I got an email from Jason's mother today. She apologized for missing my birthday in January. And I haven't even had it in me to write her and Joe a thank you card for the angel they sent me for Christmas. I was really honored to receive it. And now... Gods, I want to have an honest conversation with Kathy and Joe, but I don't know who it would serve to have it. Me, I suppose. Just to...say it, to have it out there. Even if they were to hear it and deny it. Even if they pulled away, never spoke to me again, at least the truth would be out there. I've lost people for telling the truth before. It sucks. It hurts so much...but it's always been worth it, in the end.

I was languishing when I was married to Jason. Every bit of me was dying, so he could have the version of me that he wanted, someone who wasn't really anyone at all. He hurt me. He controlled me and was manipulative. He put his hands on me, he raised his voice at me. He made me feel like I was crazy. With him, I lost my temper in such a brutal, violent, albeit inward, way that I hope to never, ever feel again. Before I met him...that would not have happened.

It hurts a lot to admit that he caught me at the perfect time. I was so vulnerable. I'd already been abused, I was perfectly conditioned to let Jason come in and groom me for a whole new kind of abuse. I thank the gods that I got away. That I sent him away. I have always deserved better. And hopefully the next time, the person I let in will be deserving.

I think I need to sit on this for a while. Jason's parents deserve peace. So do I, but I don't want it to be at anyone's expense. I'll think about it. About having the painful talk. I miss them, you know? I have fond memories of them, of Kathy's cooking, of Joe taking me fishing, of Kathy's garden, of Joe wanting to take me shooting and ATVing. I suppose that even if they both go to the grave and I never speak my piece to them about their son, I'll always have the memories.

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