Saturday, January 23, 2016

worry

So, Friday I had a half-day at work. I needed to miss the morning because I had an "emergency appointment" with a psychiatrist to talk about meds. I thought I needed something - more meds, different meds, a combination of meds - just, something. I feel like I'm out of my fucking mind. So, anyway, the psychiatrist thought I needed something too - a combination. Gotta start on a mood stabilizer, go back for a follow-up, and then increase the dose of zoloft. I hope to christ it works.

After that, I treated myself to breakfast at my favorite diner - neighborhood cafe. Mm. So gooood. I was on my phone, cause I was by myself and I wanted some sort of company. I had someone reach out. It was really nice. Then I noticed I got a msg from Beth, from work. It said she was worried, about me. I sort of froze up inside. My first instinct is that she could use that worry to ferret out truth, which could be used to cost me my job. Not that she'd need to make that sort of effort - a word from her would probably do it.

I cried, earlier. Doing my color meditation. I thought about her. About being helped. About trust. It just hurt.

Going out for a bday celebration at my favorite microbrewery was great, though. Mary came, and Elysa and Ande, and Brandy and J-D, and Cassandra and Kameron, and Laura, and Abe and Cat. It was good to see everyone, and just talk and laugh. I just...didn't have to hide anything, or apologize. I could just...be me.

Had a talk in the car with Mary, after. I don't know how we got to that talk, but it happened. I let some of the really bad pain out in front of her. She reacted how I expected.

Gods above. Let the meds work. I feel lucky to have made it to 30. I felt lucky to have made it to xmas, and before that, thanksgiving. It can't go on like this. I feel like a pendulum. And I get motion sick so easily...

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