Tuesday, January 26, 2016

coloring observations

I'm noticing that I'm beginning to notice my thoughts and feelings. Without immediately reacting to them. Or trying to block them out. I just give each thought and feeling some time in the spotlight and then - life goes on. And? I get to actually ask questions. Ask myself - does it matter? Is that important? Should I be doing something about this?

It's...different. Terrifying, yeah. Definitely. But...I don't know. This is good, I think. I worry though, worry if...I don't want to buckle. Or run. I don't do that. I was a person who refused to do that. I think I'm still her. There's just so much pain. Gods I can't wait until I can stop talking about pain.

Gotta start the mood stabilizer tonight. Guess what? It totally causes diabetes. Hooray. I'm scared. But I suppose it was never really about feeling fear. It was about moving even though the fear was there. I feel like I can hear myself, who I was before 2012 hit. And everything changed.

I'm afraid to think of what I need to do in regards to having mental illness and being professional with my employers. Not sure there's anyone I can ask about it, either. I don't want to tell, certainly. I have... I'm just worried, about losing my job. That thought terrifies me.

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