Tuesday, January 26, 2016

coloring observations

I'm noticing that I'm beginning to notice my thoughts and feelings. Without immediately reacting to them. Or trying to block them out. I just give each thought and feeling some time in the spotlight and then - life goes on. And? I get to actually ask questions. Ask myself - does it matter? Is that important? Should I be doing something about this?

It's...different. Terrifying, yeah. Definitely. But...I don't know. This is good, I think. I worry though, worry if...I don't want to buckle. Or run. I don't do that. I was a person who refused to do that. I think I'm still her. There's just so much pain. Gods I can't wait until I can stop talking about pain.

Gotta start the mood stabilizer tonight. Guess what? It totally causes diabetes. Hooray. I'm scared. But I suppose it was never really about feeling fear. It was about moving even though the fear was there. I feel like I can hear myself, who I was before 2012 hit. And everything changed.

I'm afraid to think of what I need to do in regards to having mental illness and being professional with my employers. Not sure there's anyone I can ask about it, either. I don't want to tell, certainly. I have... I'm just worried, about losing my job. That thought terrifies me.

Saturday, January 23, 2016


So, Friday I had a half-day at work. I needed to miss the morning because I had an "emergency appointment" with a psychiatrist to talk about meds. I thought I needed something - more meds, different meds, a combination of meds - just, something. I feel like I'm out of my fucking mind. So, anyway, the psychiatrist thought I needed something too - a combination. Gotta start on a mood stabilizer, go back for a follow-up, and then increase the dose of zoloft. I hope to christ it works.

After that, I treated myself to breakfast at my favorite diner - neighborhood cafe. Mm. So gooood. I was on my phone, cause I was by myself and I wanted some sort of company. I had someone reach out. It was really nice. Then I noticed I got a msg from Beth, from work. It said she was worried, about me. I sort of froze up inside. My first instinct is that she could use that worry to ferret out truth, which could be used to cost me my job. Not that she'd need to make that sort of effort - a word from her would probably do it.

I cried, earlier. Doing my color meditation. I thought about her. About being helped. About trust. It just hurt.

Going out for a bday celebration at my favorite microbrewery was great, though. Mary came, and Elysa and Ande, and Brandy and J-D, and Cassandra and Kameron, and Laura, and Abe and Cat. It was good to see everyone, and just talk and laugh. I just...didn't have to hide anything, or apologize. I could just...be me.

Had a talk in the car with Mary, after. I don't know how we got to that talk, but it happened. I let some of the really bad pain out in front of her. She reacted how I expected.

Gods above. Let the meds work. I feel lucky to have made it to 30. I felt lucky to have made it to xmas, and before that, thanksgiving. It can't go on like this. I feel like a pendulum. And I get motion sick so easily...

Monday, January 18, 2016

eff you

You know what? I'm taking back my birthday. I'm tired of it not being a happy thing for me. It fucking is! I'm here and I'm awesome, damn it!


Friday, January 15, 2016

it hurts

I am feeling some terrible pain right now.

I miss wren. I feel so alone without her. Her humor, her cussing, her attention, her nerdiness. Her love.

I miss reading her writing. I miss writing with her. I miss morph. He's with me but...it's not the same. He's in agony. I can feel it. I have trouble not thinking about it.

The suicidal thoughts are weak now. Sobriety makes the pain a lot clearer. It's strange to me to deliberately choose to feel the feels. These feels are strangers to me. Interesting bedfellows I guess?

Sunday, January 3, 2016

the bloggess

So I just subscribed to Jenny Lawson's blog feed. I like what she's accomplished. (I have to remember to get my friend that 3-month subscription to audible for a bday gift, and to get the niece an audio copy of Furiously Happy from audible - hopefully I have her email addy somewhere.)

She had a post today about this one word challenge. Supposedly, the challenge is to choose a word to live by, like a personal mantra or goal for this new year, 2016. I like the concept. I like that choosing a word is sort of like a contract with myself to live out the year and do it with positivity and hope. I also just like the fact that it's about words. I love words, language. It's why I donate to and listen to A Way With Words, the podcast show. So goooood.

The compulsion to just sink into my usual retreats is powerful, now. But, I'm liking what I've been feeling in resisting the urge to sink. The actions I've taken - telling my story to reach out to friends, writing responses to them, using self-sooth techniques.

No idea if there's a word to pick, if there's any one thing that could help, or help me most.

"Someday," maybe.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

walking back into the ring

So I think I'm ready. If not, well, I've already got myself moving forward. I've made myself do a lot of stuff. A kung fu kid reminded me of that :)

I reached out. Told my story, one might even say. Just...a note, letting friends know that I'm hurting bad right now and that I'd love to hear or see memories of happier, me-er times. Got a lot of hit backs. Julie, Percilla, Sami, Bobbie, Michael VanDersomething, Becky, Laura P A, Teresa, Mary...

It was really good to have so many people reach out - especially the unexpected ones. I really loved feeling cared for and loved. It was so comforting. And I made time today to get back to people. To write to them to thank them for hearing me and caring and reaching out. I can't believe how much it helped me feel better to respond to everyone and cry while I did it.

My Deksi was right - I gotta tell my story.